The Sound of Music

I love music. I think it is one of the most amazing gifts to have and receive. I would like to say its a gift I can give, but unless you are strictly talking about buying a c.d. or an i-tune, then I am not the person to go to. I cant carry a tune in a bucket, even with a lid tied on. However, I am not afraid to admit that I cant sing. I am okay with the fact that I will never win a Grammy or be on Broadway. I sing anyway. Although I sing badly, at least I sing loudly. Music has always been a big part of my life. Growing up, my Dad taught me to love the best and greatest of the 50's, 60's and 70's. My Mom taught me to love opera, show tunes, Sinatra, and country (you can take the girl out of Montana, but you cant take the Montana outta the girl). Grandpa showed me the beauty behind classical. My brother played the drums, so from him I learned to appreciate metal, jazz, and rock. In college, I was introduced to punk, ska, hip hop, and alternative. And, on a personal note, 2 of the last 3 guys I have dated have been musicians. I guess I have a thing for guys with a guitar.

Back to the point, music is so important to me, sometimes its even more enticing than food and water. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't hum along to a tune, turn on my i-pod (I know, I am a material girl in this material world), or flip on my radio. Music not only inspires me, it motivates me. Its a driving force to my existence and something I fear I will miss greatly when I leave this life behind. Regardless of the situation, no matter what is happening in my life, there almost always is a song that relates to or embodies the emotions of the moment. I think music is a way of personifying emotions we cant verbalize. Its a physical way of showing others how we feel. Whether it be happiness, sadness, pain, pleasure, grief, lust, heartache, love, humor, or even nothingness; it can almost always be translated to music. I think what I love the most is that music is a true universal language that spans every culture, every continent, and hundreds of years.

When it comes to music, I have had the same conversation with all my friends and even strangers. I love to hear what people say when asked the same question, "If you could have a soundtrack for your life, what would be on it?" Most people don't answer right away. I have heard all kinds of different answers. Mostly its mainstream pop culture tunes that are popular here and now. Some put a little more into it and rattle off some classical pieces or religious hymns. Some just make a list of old school favorites. Very rarely am I actually taken by surprise. When that happens, it honestly gives me goosebumps.

The power of music is something that always floors me. I always have a play list going in my head. Even in the most tense, high stress, hopeless situations, I can hear a song somewhere behind my ears. I think its a way for me to cope and filter. Its my way of letting only the necessary information in and keeping the useless out. Whatever the cause or rationalization, I know that the day I stop hearing music is the day I find my way home. So, whats on my soundtrack?? Well, its an incomplete list, but its along these lines: 1-big eyed fish. 2-amazing grace. 3-fur Elise. 4-the dawning of the angel aquarius. 5-map of the problematique. 6-what a wonderful world. 7-let it be. 8-for you. 9-into the ocean. 10-story of my life. 11-walk the line. 12-tomorrow. 12- into the west. 13-drift away. 14-have you seen the rain. 15-young folks. 16-no rain. 17-black door. 18-steady as she goes. 19-its your love. 20-them bones. 21-the cowboy song. 22-crash. 23-walking on sunshine. 24-imagine. 25-closer to fine...

The Hamster Wheel

Recently I was reading an article about nursing in the coming decade, the extreme shortage of qualified nurses, and the work load we deal with on a daily basis. I was taken aback by the statistics, as well as my own realization that I too have fallen through the camouflaged trap door of overworking myself.

When I stopped long enough to think about the stress and expectations that my job, my responsibilities outside of work, and my lifestyle require, I realized none too soon- or perhaps just little too late, that I am gambling on a slanted table. Things do eventually roll downhill.

Just looking at my job alone, I can now see how much of a drudge to the system I have become.

I used to have romantic notions about my job. I would like to think that they still, in some muted subconscience capacity, drive me to come in every single shift and fight for what matters. I know in my heart of hearts why I do what I do. I know what really matters to me. I know I am a good nurse, well educated and willing to fight for my patients no matter what. However, after much reflection, I have come to one simple discernment. We; be it nurses, business folk, laborers, blue collar, white collar, black collar, whomever works hard for a living; are like hamsters on a wheel. We go forward each day, each night, each shift. We drive ourselves on for the remote or even unobtainable goal of "the end". We know that if we work hard enough, the reward of a good day will greet us happily, like a lap dog who waits for his biscuit. Our "end", however it may be, is our treat. But what I have come to understand is that there really is no end. One may live. One may die. One may never be functional again. One may recover fully and completely. However the chips may fall, however hard I work, I do not embody the capability of change the outcome of fate. Ergo, I can not change the fact that there will always be more to come. My job doesnt end when my patient dies, or when he goes to another unit. My job doesnt end when I drive home, no matter how blurry eyed and exhausted I might be. I am always a nurse. 24/7. 365 days a year.

Within this realization, I find my inner monolog singing through. I say it to myself mostly, but also without any reservation to anyone willing to listen, "I, or we rather, have to find a way to step off the hamster wheel from time to time." I have to find a way to take a step back and focus on the one part, the one person, in my life that I so often readily ignore--me. So, I have started a list of things that make me "jump out of the hamster wheel" and focus on just what I need. For instance: I can spend that spare 10 bucks I have on some fresh flowers, instead of a coffee and bagel on my way to work. I can turn off my phone for three hours and take my dogs for a hike rather than sitting and waiting for "that" call. I can enjoy a glass of wine and be okay with the fact that tonight is my night off.

I think its very important, for myself, all nurses, all people stuck on the hamster wheel of life; to take a step back, jump off and even turn away from the perpetual chase and focus on what really matters. If even for a few moments, its neccessary to find a balance and release yourself from the eternal race to "the end".